It’s hard to live without regret. And it takes a long time, if ever, to erase the scars left behind from a wounded heart.

It’s been nearly a year since my last blog post.

A lot has changed. The last 11 or so months have been a period of real transition in my life, and that statement only becomes more apparent as I look through my old entries. Looking back, I can’t believe it was already 2 years ago that I lived in London. It was such a learning experience for me. And the lessons from that trip are just now finally catching up with me, I think.

In true “me” fashion I’ve decided to reinvent this blog. A new chapter of my life deserves a new name. But not without tribute to what’s gotten me this far, of course. Once again, I’ve changed the title… what was once “My Kaleidoscope Eyes” is now “Darling Kaleidoscope.” I still see things in a flurry of colors and shapes. But I’m going to attempt to take better ownership of it this time around.

Before I close the door on the last year, I think it’s important to chronicle the memories before they slip away for good.

A year ago I was involved in what was to become a great, creative, yet short-lived partnership. The Black Sphere Project was a terrific outlet to battle my idleness. I think now that it was just the rebound I needed to get over the reverse culture shock of being back home. It kept me busy. It put my organizational and planning skills to good use. And it was the perfect excuse to explore Los Angeles, immerse myself in art and help some friends make music.

By the end of July 2010, we had put on our very first show. It was a real success, down to the decorations and home-built stage. We were so high from the experience that we began thinking bigger. We spent the following two months planning, building a website, marketing our name and researching the things we needed to make an even better event.

By the end of September 2010, we had successfully put on our second show. We got another band to play, followed a strict self-imposed business code to show our professionalism and actually made a little bit of money. Our friends and family were thoroughly impressed… it turned out to be much more than they had expected (so they told us). The partnership seemed to be unstoppable.

Little did I know that things would turn sour so quickly. Unfortunately, we started to slow down after the Summer Is Dead show. We lost momentum and in some cases, motivation, to continue. Just a month before the second show, a very important personal relationship fell apart. And that started eating away at everything.

My dad once told me, “you shouldn’t be so affected by friends because they’ll never stick around.”

“It might take 20 years for them to leave or let you down, but they will eventually,” he would say.

That was about 8 years ago when I was having minor friend troubles. I didn’t believe him at the time. I thought he was just being overly-cynical. But I’m starting to think there may be some truth to that statement after all.

Without getting into all the gory details, let’s just say I learned the hard way that sometimes love just isn’t enough. When the bad outweighs the good in any relationship, whether just friends or lovers, that’s when it starts to get toxic. You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t live a normal daily life without feeling like complete shit. You’re worn out, irritable, and you take things out on the people who are trying to help you.

Between August and December 2010, I struggled to understand the core of what went wrong between my friend and I. Was it my fault? Why can’t I stop being so angry? Is there any hope at all for reconciliation?

I tried to make amends at the end of the year, hoping we could start 2011 with a civil, honest and mutual decision to part ways. But it backfired. In January I found myself hurt to the very core. Except this time, not without some additional casualties. Someone who was once a dear friend became more of a nuisance and enemy. And another friend, my partner in crime for the last few years, became a complete stranger to me. The Black Sphere Project was likely to be gone for good. And these two broken friendships affected all the rest.

Essentially from January up to the present, I’ve been trying to get over all of this. It’s not easy. And if anything, it’s been a very lonely ride. I try to put on the face every day and be grateful for what I have after everything. But who am I kidding? I can’t help but still feel saddened when I think about it.

In the last six months I’ve spent a lot of time distracting myself with entertainment and responsibilities. I work A LOT. (I forgot to mention that in October 2010, I went back to being a journalist.) I started spending more time with my family. I watched far too much television. I befriended an entirely new group of people (many of whom are really wonderful but I can’t seem to let myself get too close). I’m distant… even to myself at times.

I’ve done a little bit of travelling too. So far this year I’ve been to Dallas to visit a friend from grad school, Palm Springs for Coachella, Las Vegas twice (once to the see the LOVE show for the second time). And in less than a month, I’ll be going to Orlando for vacation with my family. Perhaps another out-of-town adventure will happen in the fall, but nothing’s set in stone yet.

Still, probably the best/worst distraction from all my emotional/relationship troubles is the fact that in March I was officially diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. The stiffness in my hands began in late December. At first I chalked it up to stress. I thought I was clenching my fists in my sleep or something, since relationship woes tend to have a serious effect on my stress levels.

Then in mid-January, I got the flu. And along with the flu came the body aches. But when the flu went away a week later and the aches didn’t… I knew something was wrong. I was so stiff I couldn’t move. And the pain in my hands, arms and neck were excruciating. I went to Urgent Care almost immediately and the doctor speculated that I may have RA, but I would have to see a rheumatologist to be sure.

I survived for about 2 months off of 6 Advils a day, just to keep the pain in check. I went to work and wrote my stories with fingers that could barely bend. It took me 10 minutes to walk the few steps from my car to my office because my knees couldn’t handle brisk walking. I had to wait for my insurance company to approve a referral from my doctor to see the specialist.

It wasn’t until March, after lots of blood tests and x-rays that I got the official diagnosis – RA at age 29. And there is no cure. But here are some steroids and this medication that is commonly used in the chemotherapy cocktail. The goal is remission.

That brings us to today. I won’t pretend that I’ve completely forgotten about my personal problems. On the contrary, they’re still having a very profound effect on the way I go about my day-to-day life. I feel withdrawn and indifferent most of the time.

And while my RA was seemingly under control during the month of April, my symptoms have come back full-force in the last 45 days. Now I hear pops when I straighten my arm too quickly. My joints are completely swollen every morning and I feel like a 90-year-old grandmother. It takes hours after I’ve taken my medication for my joints to loosen up. Because I’m so slow, it takes me an hour and a half to get ready for work, instead of the 45 minutes it used to take me. Now my neck, shoulders, arms, wrists, fingers, hips, back, legs, knees, ankles and toes hurt. I haven’t had a headache in months, probably because of the prednisone, but I’d still rather take the headache over the crippling condition RA flare-ups put me in. I can’t play guitar anymore. I haven’t even touched the piano. And decorating cupcakes… forget it.

I wasn’t expecting this to turn into such a depressing entry, but it seems like this is all stuff I just had to get out. I’m done with this shit. I’m tired of feeling so terrible and I don’t want to go on another day feeling sorry for myself. If friendships have to end, then so be it. And if I have to live the rest of my life battling joint pains and depression, then I’m going to die fighting it. I can’t promise I won’t revert at times, but I’m hoping I can convince myself to do some self-therapy. This is where it begins.

On another note, I want to go here.

And now for LOST.

Got tickets to see the Love show on May 22 @ The Mirage. Finally! Las Vegas, here we come!

On another note… remember that post I made recently talking about changes? Well… I’ve officially been given a new job offer. It’s pretty terrific. It consists of a 32-hour work week, while my take home pay is the same as I make now in a 40-hour week. Plus, fully-paid medical, IRA benefits, vacation, sick time, essentially the whole package.

This means, I will no longer have to work for that horrible shit hole, stupid excuse for a decent work environment, possible-money-laundering-cover-up, sketchy company again as of June. In fact, I may just make my last day May 20th, and celebrate leaving by going to Vegas. Then spending the rest of the week in leisure. Yeah, that sounds good.

But here’s the kicker. I got a phone call from an old editor today.. and it turns out a new reporter slot just opened up again. And he thought of me. So… things might work out even differently from my current plan. Who knows!?

I have to admit that I really miss journalism. Being a writer in any capacity is something to be thankful about, that’s for sure. But I miss knowing things and meeting people. I even miss the inverted pyramid and using my AP Style Book every day. And I miss the newsroom. I really, really, REALLY miss the newsroom.

I won’t get my hopes up about it though – there are always office politics to overcome and negotiations to be made. But either way, it doesn’t hurt to have a meeting. And either way, I’m going to have a new job by June. And that’s what REALLY matters.

Once again, things are looking up.

Friday, May 7
I got more information on the child support issue. It turns out that the payment I received was to pay off arrears from 1999-2004. I found out that he’s only court ordered to pay me $50 a month, but on this first check, he voluntarily chose to pay me more. That’s interesting. There’s more info, but it probably wouldn’t be wise for me to go into detail here. Let’s just say I think it’s a good thing.

On Friday night, I also decided to have a casual dinner party for family and friends. I downloaded the free Epicurious Ap for my iPhone – it is awesome. You can browse through all the recipes, then add whatever you want to your Favorites. And what’s even better is that you can add recipes into your shopping list and the ingredients all get combined & separated into categories – like dairy, meats, produce, etc. It is seriously the most convenient thing to ever happen to grocery shopping since online ordering. (Although I’ve never actually used that function before.)

I also peeled and cut a butternut squash by myself for the very first time. I didn’t realize until I had to do it for a recipe that Filipino cooking almost never calls for butternut squash. Which is probably why I never had to do it. I had no idea that you actually have to use a peeler. I was so proud of myself that I had to take a picture with my phone:

I ended up making Six-Spice Steak with a Ginger Soy Sauce, paired with a Wild Rice & Butternut Squash concoction of deliciousness. I think I did pretty well… considering I fed 8 grown men, 1 woman, and my monkey. I also burned myself twice on the oven rack – due to a dysfunctional oven mitt. Oh well.

Saturday, May 8
I woke up with a brainsplitting headache. I really should figure out why this keeps happening to me. In any case, it took me quite a while to get out of bed because of it.

Then in the afternoon, Francis and I went to see Iron Man 2 – which was a lot of fun. It was definitely good for the kind of movie it is. I mean, nobody goes to see Iron Man to be mentally stimulated. I liked it because I love Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johanssen, and Gwyneth Paltrow in just about everything they do. And Francis really liked it because it’s a Marvel movie.

In the evening, I met up with a couple of friends and had an outing in Hollywood. We went to The Grove, where I saw this little cream-colored pomeranian wearing a set of pink shoes. It was seriously too adorable for words. I would’ve taken a picture with it, which I seriously did consider, but it already had a crowd around it. I ended up just admiring it from afar. I also considered buying Penny a set, then thought better of it. She would just find a way to kick them off anyway.

Then afterwards, we went to this cafe called Solar De Cahuenga. I had the most delicious Portobello Panini – it was a Portobello mushroom, layered on top of seasoned hummus, with Ciabatta bread. Then I had some of my friend’s “Savoy” Crepe – strawberries, nutella, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, add bananas. Imagine the tastegasm. All in all, it was a quaint little place with good food. We ended up staying there until 1:30 in the morning talking. Good times.

Today
Today is Mother’s Day. It’s been a leisurely day so far. I had breakfast with the family, and later on we’ll be going to meet up with more family for dinner. Thank you to everyone who greeted me! And Happy Mother’s Day to all the brave, amazing mothers out there too!

In 10 years, I never thought I would actually get to this day. I know to some people, it may not seem like a big deal. But this piece of green paper, which I now get to deposit into my son’s savings account, actually means a lot of different things beyond just money.

I think Chapter 2 of my long-winded Single Mother saga has just opened up. What does this mean exactly? I guess I will find out soon enough.

The number of face-to-face meetings I’ve had with my son’s father in the last 10 years can be counted on one of my hands, with fingers to spare. The last of those occasions was nearly 6 years ago, when I agreed to cancel all efforts to collect support from him. That time back in 2004 basically resulted in me agreeing to a pity plea – as his new girlfriend was pregnant with his 2nd, 3rd, 4th, or who knows what child.

I felt bad. Not for him – but for his new girlfriend, and their then-unborn baby. I was working and going to school at the time, and my son and I were doing just fine without his money. So after he begged me to drop the complaint, I agreed – thinking we were better off without having to deal with him anyway. And then we didn’t hear from him again. (Despite his empty promise to our son that he would call and try to establish a relationship.)

I heard OF him every now and then… from random people. I heard rumors that he moved out of state, then he moved back, then he supposedly got married, and had more children. I don’t know how much of that was true. To be honest, I barely cared. I was still just glad to be out of contact.

But about 8 months ago, I changed my mind. After hearing about my ex’s supposed new life with his kids, my resentment began to grow. I realized that my son deserved so much better than what he was getting from his father, and that the only thing his deadbeat dad deserved was to work extra hard to support his kids – especially mine. If my ex was out there supporting other children, then why can’t my son have a piece?

If the jerk couldn’t even be bothered to call, then my son should at least get SOMETHING out of it – regardless of my own financial situation. So that’s when I decided. I reopened the child support case, told the workers about the rumors I had heard, and let them loose. I figured it would be difficult for them to find him – he’s always been good at hiding. And I figured nothing would come of it, but I reopened the case on principle anyway.

And now here we are… 8 months later, and I get the first check in the mail. I think they found his employer and withheld money from his paycheck. I can’t be sure because I never got any warning that they even found him in the first place. For all I know, he may have even quit as soon as he saw his check was short. I wonder if he even got any warning.

But now here’s what I’m afraid of. I’m concerned about getting an angry phone call. Or even worse, a pleading phone call expressing the fact that I’m hindering his ability to support whatever family he’s got. OR, does this mean I have to be in contact with him again? What about custody? It was never a problem before because he wasn’t paying support. Now that he is, is he going to want visitation? Or even fight me in court for custody? Am I going to need a lawyer? And not to mention – how is this going to affect my son? Are there going to be more empty promises?

This is finally starting to get scary. But hey, I made this decision for the well-being of my son. And my vow is to do whatever it takes to ensure his highest possible quality of life. So that’s exactly what I plan to do – regardless of what gets thrown my way.

My guess is that the next few months are going to require some potentially-serious life adjustments. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see…

But according to a bunch of articles I’ve been reading recently, like this little ditty featured in The Huffington Post, it all seems to be changing. It’s not a bad thing at all – if anything, it’s perfect timing (due to some specific art-related ventures that I’m not at liberty to discuss quite yet).

On that note, I wanted to take this opportunity to link to a few valuable LA art scene resources – ones that I’ve been keeping tabs on for a variety of reasons, from news, to basic information, to events, to new artist discovery, etc. If you’re interested in art – you should check them out:

Fecal Face- This site features mostly San Francisco-based art, but it does have a few links to things happening in LA. It also has some great interviews. My brother told me about it a few months ago, and now it’s become one of my daily-visited sites. I like it a lot because the artists they feature tend to be just in line with my taste. That, and it’s called Fecal Face – what’s not to like?

For Your Art – A Los Angeles- based site that highlights current exhibitions & events, galleries, news, and other art-related information. This is a great resource if you’re looking for an exhibition to see over the weekend or near future.

Downtown Los Angeles Artwalk – The downtown LA artwalk happens on the second Thursday of every month. It’s a great opportunity to visit all the contemporary galleries in downtown, plus it all takes place a few blocks from MOCA. If memory serves me correctly, MOCA has a discounted entry fee on this night as well. Last time I went to this, a performance artist asked me on the street if he could use my hair as a medium for his piece. (I didn’t do it because of time constraints, but under normal circumstances, I totally would have!) The site also has news, events, gallery listings, etc.

These are just a few for now. I want to put up links to some noteworthy galleries & events also, but it’s getting late and I need to catch last night’s episode of Glee before I go to bed. I’ll save those for next time.

By the way, if you don’t have the time or patience to go through these sites, but are still interested, then they’re all on twitter too!! (Did I mention I LOVE Twitter?)